All I know, right now.

There was a time I thought that ‘they’ had it all in check. I had no concept of who ‘they’ were. But ‘they’ organised the world in a way that made it possible for me to be.

I don’t remember when I realised that ‘they’ were just people. That ‘they’ did not have all the answers. Or that to ‘them’, I was ‘they’.

There was a time I thought that there were systems that ruled the world. A time I thought that I would never, ever, be part of the system. Now I know I am, I still have a constant struggle, between wanting to set myself against it, or run away from it all, or change it from within.

Maybe one day there will be a time that I can accept that the world is as it is.

Still, all I know, right now, is that this is never enough for me. There is a constant striving, for contradictory goals. For independence, for image, for status, for humility, for commercial success, to produce artistic work, to find solutions to problems I see. All I know, right now, is that living in the moment is so hard. All I know, right now, is that this life is finite, and I want to share all I know, right now. All I know, right now, is that making future planning compatible with mindful living is a balancing act, and I am no trapeze artist.

It’s visceral. There are times when I feel like the world took a spoon to the back of my throat, scraped it down my spine and through my stomach. And I breathe in the stench, and add my own poisons as I exhale, passively.

There are times when I have the certitude of Icarus.

There are times I will know I will change my mind, and times I forget to be worried.

All I know, right now, is that seeing the truth of the world is enough to blind, and that keeping an open mind is skull-cracking.

Was Jesus ever happy? Did Odysseus achieve peace when he got home?

All I know, right now, is what a baby knows. We are dependent on love. We need each other, at a basic level. And we must feed each other, no questions asked. All I know, right now, is that for anything to mean anything, trying is key.

All I know right now, is to scrap thoughts of them and me. All I want to know, right now, is we.


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